Fathercology – The Study of Dad

I am a husband, a parent, and a professional.  I own a home (a nice one), and I am homeless (apartment).  I struggle with bits and pieces of my life in relation to these things.  But then, so do you.  If there were no divorce, or trials of parenthood, or issues in the workplace, then we would be lemmings, or maybe like Kurt Vonnegut’s “Harrison Bergeron”.  Satire is cool.

I like chaos, but not on I-5.  And different people, but not so much me.  And I like to watch people…I’m that guy rubbernecking at the accident, or slowing to watch the domestic squabble on the street with the Orange County Sherriff running interference ( I see a fair amount of these…why do they happen under FWY bridges?).  Maybe I’ll see something dramatic, something cool, something to talk about…..as long as it doesn’t affect me.  Kinda makes me a hypocrite when I like to observe society in a state of dystopia….as long as it doesn’t affect me.

What have we become. We watch but don’t interact. We like violence but don’t aggress. We like chaos and we organize. What are we hunters, gatherers, aggressors, or stool pigeons. I choose not to choose.

What are you?  What do you do?  Are you an exceptional member of the gene pool…the deep end or the shallow end?  What about the people in the baby pool where the floaters are?  What happened?

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What, you ask, is ‘Butt dust?’ Read on and you’ll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: ‘Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?’

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, ‘ If you don’t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.’

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. ‘I love you so much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.’

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: ‘How does it know it’s me?’

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. ‘Please don’t give me this juice again,’ she said, ‘It makes my teeth cough.’

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: ‘How much do I cost?’

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his Dad: ‘Why is he whispering in her mouth?’

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, ‘I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?’

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: ‘The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.’ Concerned, James asked: ‘What happened to the flea?’

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, ‘Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?’

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget…. This particular Sunday sermon…’Dear Lord,’ the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. ‘Without you, we are But dust…’ He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, ‘Mom, what is butt dust?’

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For some reason, man needs to watch football. Did you ever wonder why all the men in the world watch Football. Sure some is soccer, but everywhere you go, men are watching football. In America, we don’t have the World Cup. We have the Super Bowl. 

So every year, we sit down and what two teams that more than likely are not our favorite team to see who can win one game which usually ends up boring. Think of it. The best part of the Super Bowl is the commercials. Kind of silly. 

With that said, the researchers here at Fathercology have figured out how to improve your Super Bowl viewing experience. 

Announcer Cliche Drinking Game

Yes, every time you hear one of the following words and phrases, you must drink. If you start during pre-game, you could be trashed before kick off .

1. Boss
2. Rams
3. Future Hall of Famer
4. Barnstormer
5. His hair
6. Pirate Ship
7. Groin
8. Held it too long
9. Groceries
10. And the word that will require you to chug… Brenda.

Oh, and the Cardinals will shut out the Steelers 18-0. This is based on the number of beers consumed during the Championship games. We fell asleep during the Baltimore/Pittsburgh game… so boring.

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So much pork, so little space in my veins!

Men can cook when it involves barbecue. When it involves 2 pounds of bacon and two pounds of ground pork, I think man can cook.

Here are the vitals:

2 pounds thick cut bacon
2 pounds Italian sausage
1 jar of your favorite barbecue sauce
1 jar of your favorite barbecue rub

Just look at the pictures. I’m getting chest pains just from mentioning it. Here is the the complete how to ruin your plumbing recipe.

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Part of the fun of life is economic turmoil… working through that to get this site up.

Free Tacos!

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